Finding Another Way

When others offend us it feels unfair to us. Yet a given of life is that life is often unfair. We may choose to retaliate as a way to oppose that given. As we mature spiritually, a given leads instead to a response of “Yes, now what?” This is our question when we are offended or in response to retaliation. The “now what?” can become a fourfold practice: we grieve, we say “Ouch!” to the offender, we ask to open a dialogue, and we send loving-kindness and goodwill. The practice does not have to stop with personal interactions. It can also apply to mediations, international issues, court litigations, and organizational conflicts. 

In this alternative program to retaliation we don’t let others walk all over us, but we also don’t just walk right back over them. We find a way to walk together toward a solution that works for both of us. To fight back nonviolently when someone is aggressive toward us is not retaliation when we simply fend off further aggression—that is, when we defend, not attack. We protect our boundaries, not letting abuse or offense happen or continue. We are also not enabling the aggressor to keep causing harm. To stop the fighting is to stop aggression. It becomes retaliatory when we strike back with a mean edge and we intend harm. To fight on is to further hostilities and cause damage. 

In this, we remain aware that those suffering from trauma may not be ready to engage the whole practice or may not feel safe attempting it alone. Timing figures in for all of us. We take our baby steps unabashedly, and sometimes only those, or none, for the time being. And we trust there will always be time. 

We also keep in mind, regarding dialoguing, that if the offending person refuses to hear us or does not want a dialogue with us, we affirm that we will stand by and be ready for it in the future. If there is total silence or if we are shut down by the other, we let go without rancor and with goodwill. In Buddhist terms, we can also include that person in our own loving-kindness practice. Dialogue happens only with people we face and relate to. When the offender is a stranger, as in road rage incidents, dialogue is unnecessary, but loving-kindness is always a gift we can give.

Practice: Going Beyond Retaliation

With all this in mind, let’s look at the practice of going beyond retaliation. We engage in all four steps or however many of them are appropriate to the person or to the nature of the relationship:

1. We pause and let ourselves feel grief about our suffering, if only for a moment. Grief is a combination of sadness that we were injured, anger at the one who inflicted the injury, and fear that it might happen again. A grief response exists on a spectrum. It can be based on anything from having our feelings hurt to trauma from a deep betrayal. Our practice is simply to feel whatever we feel, in accord with the lightness or heaviness of the hurt, rather than immediately jump to payback.

2. We speak up and say “Ouch!” or the equivalent to the other person in whatever nonviolent form works for us. Since our practice happens in the context of mindfulness, we do not blame and judge the other but simply report our pain and show our wound.

3. We ask the person who offended us to engage in a dialogue with us to work things out. We do this without blame or judgment of the other person. Our goal in a dialogue with someone we relate to in daily life is reconciliation. This happens when we let go of resentment, ill will, blame, and any need to retaliate. Letting go of those four obstacles to love is what is meant by forgiving without condoning, which is the goal of the practice.

4. We silently include the offending person in our loving-kindness practice that day or simply send goodwill, compassion, and wishes for their enlightenment. A loving-kindness aspiration for someone might be: “May good things happen for you. May you find Buddha’s way.”

Here is a summary of the fourfold practice. It will help to write this out and look at it from time to time.

• We feel our grief.
• We say “Ouch!”
• We offer dialogue.
• We send goodwill.

Taking these four steps is how payback turns to love back. This practice is also a truly spiritual pathway to a sense of closure. Revenge won’t get us there.

Regarding the “Ouch!”

In our practice, we may not be ready to say “Ouch!” immediately. We may need to attend to our wounds, explore what triggered our experience, and be attentive to any trauma element in it. We may need a break and some space from the other person. Only then might we be ready to communicate our feeling of pain safely. This applies to any practice that includes pain and grief, especially if there is a trauma element. A pause is a necessary phase of healing. It is a path to clarity, recollection, and fully free decision-making. 

A mindful pause is how we allow the triggering event to sit in our minds. We respond without the interfering layers of personal interpretation, judgment, fear, planning, control, anger, or the need to retaliate. This spiritual moment is the preamble to the assertive and psychologically healthy follow-up practices listed above. 

A pause is a necessary phase of healing. It is a path to clarity, recollection, and fully free decision-making. 

Each of us has to ask, “What is my way of feeling grief? How do I feel the pain? It can be anything from using the word ouch to looking pained or shedding tears. What matters is that we are fearlessly reporting the impact of someone’s aggressive action. Our “Ouch!” may not always meet with a cooperative or welcoming response from others. Some people don’t want to see or hear about our feelings, much less explore them with us. They might also be insulted that we dared accuse them of wrongdoing at all. Instead of empathy from them we might even be met with its opposite, retaliation. It is up to us to know the other person’s level of openness to dialogue and gauge our response accordingly. 

Sometimes the most prudent course is not to say “Ouch!” Loving-kindness sometimes shows itself best by maintaining respectful silence. In any case, when letting go of retaliation is a standard we live by, we no longer need apologies from others to feel closure. Our practice gives us closure. 

Codependent people may not feel comfortable with saying “Ouch!” Codependency includes having traits like these: We go out of our way to be nice to someone. We appease those who offend us rather than tell them of our pain. We let others take advantage of us. We continuously feel guilty that we have not given enough. We believe we always owe others but they never owe us anything. We keep giving more when we receive only less. 

Codependent people will look for ways to appease others. Usually they will not dare to retaliate openly, as there is too much at stake, too much to lose. This is not the spiritual practice of letting go of retaliation. It does not come from an awakened consciousness, but from fear of abandonment. The work for codependent people is to grow in self-esteem and let go of the fear that holds them hostage.

Gracious Forebearance

An alternative or combinable practice to the fourfold practice is forbearance. It is defined in the dictionary as restraining oneself from a normal or customary aggressive reaction—for example, retribution when one is provoked to anger about unfairness or offensive treatment. In either case, we are magnanimously forgoing what we are owed or patiently tolerating an infraction. Forbearance does not mean putting up with aggression or letting others get away with injustice but only being compassionate and lenient in how we handle it. 

The Samdinirmocana Sutra defines patience as forbearance when insulted. In matters of little consequence or toward people who mean no harm, forbearance and patience can be used as an alternative to the fourfold practice of grief, revealing one’s pain, dialogue, and goodwill. We let go and move on with no resentment or plan for a later payback. Our experience can still include grief, but we keep it to ourselves or share it with a confidant. 

As a second option, forbearance can be a step following the other four practices. Including it in our fourfold practice may give us a sense of closure, of inner peace, and of generosity. 

Since forbearance is part of loving-kindness, we can call this practice, either alone or part of the longer practice, “gracious forbearance.” The gracious forbearance practice combines kindliness, generosity, compassion, and patience, all features of our loving-kindness practice.

Practice: Cultivating a Heart of Magnanimity

1. Ask for Help from Assisting Forces. We turn to a power higher than ego for the grace to activate our magnanimity and support us in showing it. We might also ask for pointers from friends who show magnanimity.

2. Use Affirmations. We affirm daily that we have the very qualities that describe magnanimity:

• I am abundantly generous in spirit.
• I am free from holding resentments, grudges, or envy.
• I accommodate others’ failings.
• I am easily forgiving.
• I accept the givens of life with equanimity.

3. Act As If. We simply act as if we are already magnanimous, and soon magnanimity will become second nature. Our behavior awakens our potential for magnanimity. 

Thirteenth-century Zen master Eihei Dogen’s “Regulations for the Study Hall” recommends magnanimity. We also notice that he includes the “act as if” behavioral change style:

With mutual affection take care of each other sympathetically, and if you harbor some idea that it is very difficult to encounter each other like this, nevertheless display an expression of harmony and accommodation.

The threefold practice—ask, affirm, act—applies to any virtue we seek to install into our daily life. We all have every virtue as potential. Practices activate them from dormancy to display. No virtue is beyond our reach—a basis of unreserved hope for a humanity capable of justice, peace, and love.

♦

Adapted from Sweeter than Revenge © 2025 by David Richo. Reprinted in arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc. Boulder, CO. www.shambhala.com