Why Self-Care Matters Most When You Have No Time

“Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean me first; it means me too.” ~L.R. Knost

We live in a society that celebrates pushing through; burnout is often worn as a badge of honor, and many job descriptions state bluntly, “Must be able to perform well under pressure and thrive in a fast-paced environment.”

I’m very well aware that self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s essential. “You can’t pour from an empty cup” and “You must put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others” are two of the most well-known quotes. And while they might sound like a cliché, they are definitely true.

I’ve shared these quotes on numerous occasions, although perhaps with slightly different words, because they’ve become so familiar and overused that many people just roll their eyes when they hear them again.

As a holistic practitioner, I take self-care pretty seriously, as I am very well aware of the consequences when we neglect ourselves and our needs.

Maybe it’s also a sign of getting older—I’m in my late fifties. When I was much younger and in busy jobs I never acknowledged that I was stressed or could do with slowing down. At that time, I felt that I was having fun, although the consequences were obvious: back pain and toothache due to grinding.

Admittedly, as a woman without children, it’s very easy for me to fit self-care into my schedule, as I can organize my day, my work, and my leisure activities the way I want to. I have no caring responsibilities, like many in the “sandwich generation,” caring for children and aging parents, and my mum, although in her eighties, is thankfully fit and independent.

Well, that changed quite suddenly one day last year when my mum had a fall and needed surgery. My mum lives miles away, so initially we were only in touch by phone, and thankfully my sister happened to be with Mum at the time. But my sister’s time was limited, as her family—she’s married with two young kids—was waiting for her back home.

I promised my mum I’d be there when she left the hospital so I could support her in the first weeks at home and make the transition a wee bit easier for her. As I can work location-independently, that really was a no-brainer for me and the least I could do.

My flights were booked and my holiday canceled, and I was planning to spend eight weeks with her. Thankfully, Mum and I have quite a good relationship, we’ve always had, but I was slightly apprehensive about spending so much time together, living with her twenty-four-seven.

The last time I did that, I was attending a course over two months and chose to stay with her because it was logistically just easier. For several reasons we had a rather challenging time. Mum has her routines, I’ve got mine, and while she’s quite tolerant and I tried to be flexible, we’ve encountered some major clashes. Also—and that might be my ‘excuse’—because I was slightly stressed by my studies, as I was preparing for an exam. Hence, this time I wanted to approach things differently.

The first couple of days after my arrival, Mum was still in the hospital, and it was just joyful to see her and hear that her recovery had already progressed quite well. It was also very rewarding to see her so grateful that she wasn’t on her own.

When Mum left the hospital, thankfully she didn’t need full-time care, but there were doctors’ appointments, physiotherapy visits, phone calls to insurance companies, paperwork, home adaptations to organize, and hundreds of small jobs that somehow merged into one enormous task.

At the same time, I was still running my own business and seeing clients online from her spare bedroom. Every evening I would look at my own to-do list and realize that I hadn’t tackled much at all. The strange thing wasn’t that I was exhausted; it was that I had accepted this as normal, and I’m sure that’s the daily reality for many carers.

Like so many of us, I automatically adopted the belief that there was no room left to care for myself. It is an easy trap to fall into when faced with the harsh reality rather than an ideal-world theory.

I felt stuck in survival mode, just functioning and spinning plates to keep everything moving. From coordinating and organizing everything for Mum to seeing clients and running my practice as usual, it seemed I was on a hamster wheel with no time at all for myself—or so I thought.

But I realized something had to change, as I wanted my stay and our time together to be supportive, positive, and harmonious. This time I took my own advice much more seriously. 

While I couldn’t continue all my usual sports activities—at home I cycle and play tennis at least twice a week, which makes a massive difference for my physical and mental health—I could still find a few minutes each day for what I call my stress hygiene. Just a few minutes. That’s the advantage of my favorite self-care practice: TRE (Tension Releasing Exercises) requires very little time and can be done almost anywhere.

In TRE, we invite the body to do what it is naturally designed to do after stress: literally shake off tension it’s been holding onto. As your muscles relax, your nervous system gradually settles too, guiding you toward a state of deep relaxation and restorative calm.

I believe that’s one of the most important things each of us needs to find: a way to release stress, not just manage it. To me, managing stress often feels like reorganizing or pushing it aside. What we really want is a modality that helps us let it go, whatever that practice may be for you.

It really has to work for you in reality, because otherwise, what’s the point of just liking the idea of it? Many people say, “I know, I need to meditate, but I can’t sit still,” and they force themselves to do so. I have seen far too many people struggle, simply because their heart wasn’t in it and possibly, they didn’t believe in it, either.

But when you find the stress hygiene technique that works for you, it will be joyful to practice, you will feel the desire to do it, and you will notice the difference it can make for you, your life, and the people around you. I also believe you just know. There’s this inner feeling, your gut instinct. Most importantly, ask yourself: Does practicing it bring you joy and a sense of relaxation?

Admittedly, there are many approaches you might need to try before finding ‘the one’—perhaps a bit like kissing a few frogs before finding your prince or princess.

And here are a few suggestions. Some are more mind-based, like:

Others are more body-based, like:

Maybe you want to consider looking into gadgets like vagus nerve stimulators. They might work for you; they might end up gathering dust once the novelty has worn off, but I want to include them, nevertheless.

So, back to my own experience, I practiced whenever I could: Sometimes when I was with my mum in the garden, sometimes when talking to her, and often in bed, just before falling asleep or in the first few minutes after waking up.

Because nothing had changed and life continued to be busy, I didn’t initially recognize how much the practice was helping. But I felt more like myself again, calmer and in control of the situation. And I slept better. And often it’s the people in our immediate environment that spot the difference first.

It was my mum’s partner who told her that I seemed much kinder, and rather than reacting to his comments—we have our moments—I was listening more patiently and responded without being irritated about the little things that could have easily sparked tension.

So, here’s what I’ve learned and want to share with you in the hope you’ll find it helpful, regardless of your being a (sandwich) carer or a busy professional in a highly stressful job:

I know we are expected to keep functioning under all kinds of circumstances, often carrying invisible and emotional weights and worries, but that doesn’t have to be the gold standard. Maybe you are motivated to break this vicious cycle by prioritizing your health and well-being. This means becoming more balanced, regulating your nervous system, being kinder to yourself and others, and ultimately preventing burnout.

Burnout is real, especially for carers or busy mums and dads, whether caring is their paid profession or they do it for love. Please always remember that you deserve the same love and care you so freely give to others.

A few minutes spent caring for yourself isn’t an escape from caring for others. It’s part of caring. Not only for yourself, but for the people who depend on you, too.

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